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Helen Walne: Too young for a midlife crisis, too old to care

Other old people have started permeating my dreams: Madonna (13 years older than me and able to do the splits); JK Rowling (six years older than me and worth £560 million or R6 038m); my mother’s 95-year-old friend, who can drink more red wine at lunch than a gaucho.

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Helen Walne: Maintaining the illusion of perfect progeny

For the past three days, I’ve been like a set designer, trying to create an environment that doesn’t resemble reality. I even used a glue gun. And sugar soap. And a new mop that folds in the middle and leaves two trails on the floor like a dismembered snail.

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Helen Walne has a quail of a time making a meal of foodies

See, even though I live in Cape Town, know how to say “bainmarie” and once ate a dish made entirely from weeds, I’m not a foodie. And while I’m sure it’s hindering my ability to join all manner of art collectives/literary circles/underground weaving conventions/cello movements, I am determined to remain untainted by Maldon salt, wild pigeon breast and yak butter. Because once you become a foodie, there’s no turning back.

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